my vag is so smooth its legendary
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
