turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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