I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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