Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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