the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)