Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.