Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick