your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
