Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
