Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
