yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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