decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance