it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this beer tastes like vomit already
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
