thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
