I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
