I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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