well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
