I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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