i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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