I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
