bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
