My hand turned me down
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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