I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
