last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
