I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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