$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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