How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
