we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
