My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I smell stomach acid.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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