His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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