There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
