I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
