Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
