i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
