i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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