Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize