Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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