I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
