I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
