I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
