you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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