Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
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I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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