Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
