I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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