You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
