Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Who wears a wallet chain?!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm like, not good at living.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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