I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
