My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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