I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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