My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
