Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
