highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
