im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He shit in the fireplace
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
