she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
