It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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