also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
