I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
