she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize